“I’ve put forward a plan
because I think its the best plan.
But it’s also the best plan of anyone here” – Rick Santorum

 
“The thing we need to do
is get this economy boosted.
This economy
is stalled
It’s like a train on the tracks
with no engine.
And the administration
has simply been putting
all of this money
in the caboose” – Herman Cain

“The most important thing
in my life
is to make sure their future is bright
and that America is always known
as the hope of the Earth.” – Mitt Romney

“I haven’t any right to criticize books, and I don’t do it except when I hate them. I often want to criticize Jane Austen, but her books madden me so that I can’t conceal my frenzy from the reader; and therefore I have to stop every time I begin. Every time I read Pride and Prejudice I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone. -Mark Twain in a Letter to Joseph Twichell, 9/13/1898

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Apple announced that Rudy had plenty of experience handling the “Big Apple”, so directing the future as CEO of the little apple should be child’s play. Rudy has stated repeatedly that he’s looking forward to “a breath of fresh air” in Northern California, and the lack of term limits.

When asked about whether this had any impact on the possibility of a “Perry-Giuliani” presidential ticket, Rudy refused to answer directly and merely muttered a mysterious phrase “Look iVicePresidential?”

Speculations are swirling as to how Rudy will show himself “tough on crime” in the Apple community, which most reliable sources agree is filled with thugs and vagabonds. When asked what he could do for Apple, Rudy stated that during his mayorial career, his record on New York’s crime rate was an example of “the most focused form of policing in history” and that he would “take the iPhone desktop device to new unimagined heights”. “Believe, me, I have a legacy beyond 9/11 and Apple recognizes that. Why else would they pick me?”

When asked critical questions at the press conference about his lack of expertise, knowledge of, or passion for the Apple product line, Giuliani responded vigorously: “My technological affiliation, my geek knowledge and the devotion to Apple products, I leave to Steve Wozniak to judge.”

When Steve Wozniak, the co-founder of Apple, was asked about Giuliani he had a vigorous belly-laugh and narrowed his eyes and said, “I have an opinion, but remember I’m still technically an employee and a shareholder.” He continued to laugh and then said “Let’s just say that Rudy will never be inducted into the National Inventors Hall of Fame like I have. And he’s more of a Blackberry type of guy.”

Rudy refused to comment on Wozniak’s belly-laugh and has neither confirmed nor denied whether he will be wearing a turtleneck.

Despite obvious differences, there are some interesting similarities between Rudolph William Louis “Rudy” Giuliani and Steven Paul “Steve” Jobs.  However, marketing analyst Coleen Card doubts whether Rudy can fill Steve’s turtleneck and present the sort of “cool” image that Apple needs.

Disassociated Press, August 26, 2011

The world of partisan politics was turned upside down last night when Muammar Gaddafi announced he would indeed be seeking the GOP nomination for the 2012 election. A Tripoli straw-poll determined that the Libyan native has already bounded far ahead of Michelle Bachman, but a long way remains ahead for the aging dictator before he can overcome the bases of support for the likes of Romney and Perry.

Questions swirled. When asked whether he supported the U.S. constitution, he replied  “What’s that? I’ve been following the discourse for years and haven’t heard too much about it. Aren’t they revising it or something?”  When asked about his view of American history, Gaddafi responded “The U.S. has a long noble history. Besides the flip-flopping over Libya, I can really relate to a lot of it. I look at the noble way America put down the rebels and I think I can learn a lot.”

When asked who his running mate would be, the fearless leader  just stared for a few minutes and said “Who do you think? Miss America.” When questioned further about who “Miss America” was, he grinned and said “Condie”. When questioned as to the meaning of the rebel discovery of a box of photos of Condoleezza Rice at his compound, he just shrugged and said “I wouldn’t want to have any one run beside me besides my darling black African woman”.

We were unable to contact Rice  for comment.

Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair was saddened that Gaddafi didn’t enter British politics. “We could learn a lot from this man.” On the other hand, President Barack Obama said, “You know, it’s a real shame, I could have given him a pretty high appointment. He has a certain flair.”  Both of them wish Gaddafi all the best.

A group of Gaddafi supporters gathered in St. Paul, Minnesota to express their support for their favorite candidate. When asked why they were voting for him, one replied “He’s really the only candidate that doesn’t make us yawn. And he’s undeniably committed to the fight against terrorist rebels.”

Concerns abound about Gaddafi’s ability to gain the sympathy of the base of Republic voters abound.  Some commentators wonder whether his Arabic heritage, his ostentatious non-suit apparel and his hard to spell plurality of names hurt his chances of courting the American voters.  Gaddafi was dismissive of such thoughts, quipping “Do you think Bachman’s supporters can spell her name?”

Unassociated Press, August 26, 2011

For instance, according to the FDA:

• If ground paprika, ground cinnamon, has an average of 10 rodent hairs per 25 grams, it’s fine for consumption!
• If cocoa beans has 9 mg of mammalian poo per pound, it’s fine for consumption!
• If your cranberry sauce has a mold count of 14%, it’s fine for consumption!
• If your curry powder has an average of 99 insect fragments per 25 grams, it’s fine for consumption!
• If your macaroni noodles have 4 rodent hairs per 225 grams, it’s fine for consumption!
• If your ground oregeno has an average of 4 rodent hairs and 1249 insect fragments per 10 grams, it’s fine for consumption!
• If your peanut butter has an average of 59 insect fragments and 1 rodent hairs per 200 grams, it’s fine for consumption!
• If your canned tomatoes have an average of 9 fly eggs per 500 grams with no maggots, it’s fine for consumption

Note: Most of these are averages, so it means that any segment of the food, could theoretically have a much higher number of gross things in them. I do not know if a similar list exists for Canada, if so I have not seen it. I wonder how it would compare? Food-related stuff like this is always gross when you hear the numbers. But, still, this is particularly and uniquely gross. Hopefully they are right and these are safe. Hopefully most foods we buy are nowhere near these numbers.

A book I’m currently reading says that an Ohio University study in 2005 says Americans unintentionally eat  one to two pounds of insect parts per year. It then goes on to say that “The study didn’t say, however, how many insects are eaten intentionally.”

Here are some favorites:

• “There is no state with a democracy except Libya on the whole planet.”
• “Democracy means permanent rule”
• “No representation of the people-representation is a falsehood. The mere existence of parliaments underlies the absence of the people, for democracy can only exist with the presence of the people and not in the presence of representatives of the people.”
• “A woman has a right to run for election whether she is male or female”
• “Women, like men, are human beings. Women are different from men in form because they are females, just as all females in the kingdom of plants and animals differ from the male of their species”
• “I cannot recognise either the Palestinian state or the Israeli state. The Palestinians are idiots and the Israelis are idiots.”
• “Another grave historical error is for several religions to remain in existence after Muhammad.”
• “”Labour in return for wages is virtually the same as enslaving a human being.”
• “All African nations look up to Libya, all the rulers of the world look up to Libya. Protesters are serving the devil.”
• “I will stay in Libya till I die or death comes to me.”
• “If a community of people wears white on a mournful occasion and another dresses in black, then one community would like white and dislike black and the other would like black and dislike white. Moreover, this attitude leaves a physical effect on the cells as well as on the genes in the body.”

“If you are ignorant of Lora Delane Porter’s books that is your affair. Perhaps you are more to be pitied than censured. Nature probably gave you the wrong shape of forehead. Mrs. Porter herself would have put it down to some atavistic tendency or pre-natal influence. She put most things down to that. She blamed nearly all the defects of the modern world, from weak intellects to in-growing toe-nails, on long-dead ladies and gentlemen who, safe in the family vault, imagined that they had established their alibi. She subpoenaed grandfathers and even great-grandfathers to give evidence to show that the reason Twentieth-Century Willie squinted or had to spend his winters in Arizona was their own shocking health ‘way back in the days beyond recall.”

– P.G. Wodehouse in Their Mutual Child